Thoughts,

I haven’t done this in a while so forgive me if I’m a little rusty. I started going to the gym recently. And by that I mean that I signed up for an annual membership about 5 months ago and actually started using it recently – so long money. After I stopped with the university-student diet, I started seeing some drastic changes on the scale. I mean, I was told that at most I’d lose 2 pounds a month. Within the first three weeks I had lost 8 pounds. Two weeks later, I was down another 7. How insane is that?

To be fair, prior to the gym-days, I was eating a steady diet of take-out, pizza, and the occasional plate of pasta (when I was feeling fancy). And of course I drank as much coke as I did water.

The thing is, I’ve never been happy with my body. Then I started going to the gym and dieting. Restricting my diet and hitting up the elliptical four times a week. Honestly, though I am shedding pounds, I’ve never been more sad with myself. When I started off I was rounding off at just about 145 pounds. My norm was 135. I am now at 130.

I don’t know what it is but going to the gym has not made me feel anything but even more disappointed in my body. I guess before the idea of reaching 130 or 125 was accompanied by the image of a very skinny body but that’s not what it is. Even though I am down a waist size, I feel none the smaller. I just have a little less stomach and a lot less breast.

Maybe it’s that it’s coming off in the wrong places, maybe it’s that I’m surrounded by beautiful bodies at the gym, maybe it’s just depression kicking in, but man, I feel a lot less beautiful and a whole lot more self-conscious. I suppose it takes time and it sucks to not see results immediately but I also feel as though I’ve become hyper-aware of my fat. I’m a lot more sensitive about the excessive lard covering every inch of my body, a lot more annoyed by my stomach, a lot more frustrated with almost every aspect of myself.

Is this a thing? Has anyone else been here? I think I’m going crazy! Maybe this is a part of the struggle of going to the gym.

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